On that cold January night, the warm atmosphere emanating from Applebees was an embracing sight. Entering the restaurant behind by mother and father, the hostess brought us to our table which was only a few feet away from the entrance. Personally, I would have rather sat in a booth away from the door, but I was not going to let this small discrepancy get to me. Looking over the menu, many items seemed to jump out at me screaming, "Pick me, pick me!" but in the end, I had to go with one of my favorites, chicken fajitas. The waiter came by and I was the first to order my meal, followed by my mom and then my dad.

     As my family and I waited patiently for our food, we conversed over happenings in the day. As the time on the clock ticked and tocked its way by, I drank my lemonade continuously, and it gradually began to disappear. Noticing my drink was nearly finished, my mother took the liberty to motion for the waiter and order me another one. It was very nice of her to be so attentive to my needs, but at the same time, in the back of my head, I thought, "Did you think I couldnt order it myself?"

     I tried to brush off the incident as insignificant, but the more I thought about it over the next few days, I determined that it definitely was not the first time it had happened in my life. I realized that my parents had pretty much talked for me throughout my childhood. I considered the fact that maybe it is just the way my parents are with their children, but I asked my older brother, and he said that as far as he could remember they never talked for him. It was possible that they helped me out in such a way only because I was terribly shy as a young child, and I would say that to a certain extent I am still shy to this day.

     I had already established that my parents talk for me and not my brother, so my next step was to see if this pattern held true for other families. I decided to venture out to various restaurants to observe parents and how they responded and interacted with their children. I came to the conclusion that I was not alone in my world of female silence. Many other parents "helped" their daughters more so than their sons in social situations just like my parents did.

     In one specific instance, I was at Wendys observing a mother and her two children, one male and one female. While in line, the two siblings seemed quite happy and talkative with one another. At one point, the mother stepped in and asked what both the children wanted. But the inadequacy was not revealed until it was time to order. When the cashier asked for the next person in line, the mother nudged her son forward and said, "Tell her what you want," but when it came time for the next order, the mother ordered for both herself and her daughter. After this act, nothing seemed out of sorts with the family, signifying it possibly happens all the time.

     In one of the previous paragraphs, I stated how parents "help" their daughters in social circumstances more so than their sons. I chose to put help in quotation marks because in the parents eyes, they are helping their little girl, but ultimately, they are only hurting her by continuing with the societal pressure and constraints of what a girl should be. Study after study shows that even at a very young age, girls are programmed to be submissive and that being assertive is a negative trait to have as part of the female gender. Boys on the other hand, are in fact rewarded for showing aggressive behavior (1). This statement alone tells me why I observed the behaviors I did, but the real question for me now is how? How is this phenomena occurring that girls should be quiet and boys should be outspoken? Surely if you asked your parents or any parents for that matter, they would deny teaching these stereotypical ideals to their children. But if that is in fact true, then why are there such differences in behavior between the two genders? I believe that it is due to the fact that societal ideals of what a man is and what a woman is are so deeply imbedded in each and everyone of us, whether we agree with them or not. Parents may not even realize that they hold these ideals in regards to what their children "should" be, and that it is on a subconscious level that they teach their children the ways of society. So my question for you is, did your parents raise you or did society raise you?

     In todays society, people place too much importance on ones gender. When an infant is born, the first question asked is "Is it a boy or a girl?" and the first thing you notice about a person youve just met is their gender. Because of the defined gender roles our society possesses, once you label a person as a specific gender, you will automatically have a set standard of how that person acts, even though they may be completely different than the stereotype. Barbara Mackoff, Ph. D, who is a consulting psychologist and author, says, "Our culture is obsessed with sexual differences and we neglect individual differences" (3). When people are defined by their gender, they are denied who they are as a person, because the thing that runs deeper than your gender is your individuality. It is evident that girls and boys are different, but then again, arent all girls different from one another, and all boys different as well? "Studies have shown that there is greater variation in a given behavior among boys and among girls than between boys and girls," says Martha K. McClintock, a psychology professor at the University of Chicago. If parents want to raise children who are self-reliant, well-adjusted, and emotionally rich, they must overcome the barriers of typical gender roles, and instead focus on each child as an individual. Gender stereotyping only limits a childs right to experience and express a wide variety of emotions and behaviors and will in fact hinder that childs social and emotional development later on in life (3).

     The stereotypical belief our culture holds is that girls feel and express a broad range of emotions, unlike boys, while on the other hand, boys are assertive and action-oriented, unlike girls (2). Are these behaviors innate in each respective gender, or are our children brought up to act in these specified manners? Studies show that mothers of infants two-years-old or younger display more emotions and feelings with their daughters, and that parents engage in more active behaviors with their sons (3). Boys are encouraged to take risks, but discouraged to be subdued and quiet, while it is just the opposite for girls. Studies also show that boys cry as frequently as girls do during infancy, but as they grow up, boys cry less and less due to the fact that they are taught to hide their tears (3). As I have stated earlier, it may not necessarily be that parents want or mean to raise stereotypical children, but it is on a subconscious level that they act they way they do with each specific gender.

     In a poem written by Dorothy Law Nolte, one selection states, "If children live with tolerance, they learn to be patient. If children live with encouragement, they learn confidence. If children live with praise, they learn to appreciate. If children live with approval, they learn to like themselves". The title of this poem is Children Learn What They Live, and all parents should keep this statement in mind when raising their children. Aside from the things you teach your children directly, they sometimes learn more indirectly from your actions as a role model. If as a parent, you possess the stereotypical qualities of your gender, that stereotype will be imbedded even deeper into your child. Parents need to take on societys assumptions about gender roles by proving to their children that there are other ways to live. They need to go beyond their own personal limitations, in ways as simple as mom fixing her daughters bike and dad giving his son hugs and kisses when he comes home each day (3). Parents need to encourage sons to express how they are feeling and encourage daughters to take more risks. All in all, parents should shy away from emphasizing gender differences among their children, but rather focus on personal differences and abilities.

     Gender stereotyping is a recursive process. You will instill your societal views in your child, who will in turn instill them in their child, and so on. To completely eliminate gender stereotyping is probably impossible, but lessening its significance is possible, and it begins with ourselves. By not letting society put constraints on you or your children through the means of gender, you will be taking part in disrupting the cycle. Just like with race, ethnicity, and religion, gender is yet another way of labeling a person. Encourage individuality with other people along with yourself. And if one day you do decide to have children, make sure that they are being raised by you and not by society.